An Australian ventriloquist
Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right"
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: "The sheep's a liar"
Two guys are walking
through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep."
"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is?"
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on hisface and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two men drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a sheep appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
"Hey... you two guys seen my sheep out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah," says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY sheep. My sheep was chained to a railroad tie."
Two NZ sheep farmers are
flying the mob to a new farm. Suddenly, the engine fails and the plane begins
to fall quickly to the ground.
SH1: "Quick! Grab a parachute and jump!"
SH2: "What about the sheep ?!?"
SH1: "Bugger the sheep !!!!"
SH2: (pause) "Do you think we have time?"
When a tourist coach passed
through a small country town in NZ one of the passengers noticed a sheep tied
to a lamppost on the corner in the main street. "What's that?" she
"Oh that," said the guide, "that's the Recreation Centre"
Q: What do you call a sheep
A: A cloud.
Q: What happened to the
clock that fell into the sheepdip?
A: It lost all its ticks.
Q: "What did one sheep
say to the other sheep?
A: "After ewe"
Q: What would you get if
you crossed a goat and a sheep?
A: An animal that eats tin cans and gives back steel wool
is a sheep's favorite newspaper?
Q: What would you get if
you crossed a sheep and a kangaroo?
A: A woolly jumper!
Q: Why did the lamb call
A: He had been fleeced
Q: What do you get if you
cross a boa and a sheep?
A: A wrap-around sweater
Q: What is the difference
between a Rolling Stone and a Scotsman?
A: The Rolling Stone says, "Hey, you! Get off of my cloud."
The Scotsman says, "Hey, McLeod! Get off of my ewe!"
Q: What do female elephants
use for tampons?
did the elephants have to stop using sheep as tampons?
A: They were afraid of getting toxic flock syndrome
Pam: "My dog ate a
whole ball of wool."
Sam: "And what happened?"
Pam: "Her puppies were all born wearing sweaters."
Sam: "That's some yarn."
There was this cowboy named
Jake who got himself fired from his job at the ranch. He was out of work for a
while, then started to get hungry. So he swallowed his
pride, and went to the other ranch in those parts to ask for work--it was a
sheep ranch. They hired him, of course, not too many cowboys wanted to herd
sheep. The first night he was there, the other cowboys there woke him up.
"Get up, boy," they said."It's time for your initiation!"
"Initiation! But how bad could it be," he thought to himself. "Afterall, they were a bunch of sheep tenders!"
So they took him out back of the sheep-pen, and he saw all the other guys lined up waiting.
"Go on," they said, "Boy, it's time you showed you were a REAL man!"
"Huh?" he said.
"That's right," they said, pointing at the sheep, "Show us you're a real man."
"Oh, no," he thought, "they couldn't possibly want him to..."but then he really needed the job. So he squared his shoulders and went and picked out a sheep. He led it behind the shed. After a moment, the others were rewarded by the sounds of, "Baaaah BAAAAH..."
A couple of minutes later the cowboy came back out, buttoning his pants, to see the other guys all laughing at him.
"Oh, great," he thought, "now I've really been had." "So, what?" he said, "Was I not supposed do that with the sheep?"
"That's not it," they laughed. "It's just that you picked out an ugly one."
Mary had a little sheep,
And with this sheep
She went to sleep.
The sheep turned out
To be a ram
And Mary had a little lamb!
A man buys several sheep,
hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the
sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he
should try artificial insemination. The guy
doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his
ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet
tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant. The
Man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that
artificial insemination means
he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day serving the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot
even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look
out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of
them's honking the horn."
They were the first to attempt to colonize Mars. They had landed with grass seeds to plant and horse, sheep and cattle embryos. But the grass wouldn't grow and none of the calves would survive. The horses and sheep were doing well, but there not enough to meet their needs. So they sent a message to earth asking for more sheep and horses and a replacement for the cattle and grass. They particularly wanted an animal that could be used as meat in place of beef. Earth radioed back asking if venison would be satisfactory and it was. Finally a space shuttle arrived with the needed supplies. The bill of lading was rushed to the leader of the colony who then spoke to his consul, "We got everything we asked for. They sent mare zygotes and doe zygotes and little lambs and ivy."
A blond decides she just can't take it anymore. She's tired of all the blond jokes: the advantages of being blond are vastly outweighed by having to listen to all the blond jokes. So one night she dyes her hair black. She goes into work the next day and doesn't hear a single blond joke. Okay, so her hair is black: she's too happy to care, because she thinks she'll never have to hear another blond joke in her life.
She drives home from work in a rural area and sees a sheep crossing the road. She slows to let it pass, and pretty soon is surrounded by a herd of sheep. After 20 minutes, they finally finish crossing the road. She slows to let it pass, and pretty soon is surrounded by a herd of sheep. After 20 minutes, they finally finish crossing the road, and the shepherd comes along and waves to her and thanks her for stopping to wait for the sheep.
"You sure have a lot
of sheep there," she says.
"I know, it's very difficult to keep track of them all," the shepherd says.
"If I tell you how many sheep you have, would you give me one?" she asks.
"Sure, if you guess correctly, I'll give you one," he agrees.
"You have 257 sheep," says the woman.
The shepherd is suitably
impressed, and tells her to go ahead and pick one out and take it with her.
So she picks out a sheep and puts it in the back of her car. As she's
preparing to leave, the shepherd knocks on her
window. She rolls the window down and he says, "If I tell you what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"
"There's a pig stuck
in the bullbars and is still alive but he's
kicking and squealing so much I can't get him free" he said.
"Okay," said the boss. "In the back of the ute there's a .303. Put it up to the pig's head and shoot it. When its body goes all limp you'll be able to get it off the bullbars and throw it into the bush."
About 45 minutes later the jackeroo called in again, "I did what you said, "Boss. I shot the pig in the head, he went all limp and I got him out of the bullbars, no problem. But I still can't go on."
"Why not?" asked the boss. "What's the problem?"
"Well it's his
motorbike ... the flashing blue light is jammed under
HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME
1. Both take up too much
space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.
HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN:
1. Dogs do not have
problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN
10. A dog's parents will
never visit you.
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
1. A dog does not shop.
A butcher in his shop, and he's really busy, and he notices a dog in the shop. He shoos him away. But later, he notices the dog is back again. So he goes over to the dog, and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note, and it reads 'Please give me 12 sausages and a pound of lamb. l have money in my mouth.' The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar bill there. So he takes the money, and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is well impressed, and since it's close to closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes.
The dog is walking down the street, when he comes to a level crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The dog walks around to the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus. Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth.
Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and -Whap!- throws himself against it again. There's no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog. Kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him. The butcher runs up, and stops the guy. 'What the hell are you doing ? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake !', to which the guy responds 'Clever, my ass. This is the second time this week that he's forgotten his key.'
The Health Department is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing very badly.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big bloke.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause a disruption in the space-time continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to "disappear."
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
& Della Jones,
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